Author Topic: LAUGHTER IS THE BEST MEDICINE!  (Read 2314 times)

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« on: June 20, 2012, 12:14:26 AM »

10 Office Rules:

10. Never walk without a document -- People with documents look like hardworking employees headed to important meetings. People with nothing in their hands look like they're headed for the cafeteria. People with a newspaper in their hand look like they're headed for the toilet. Above all, make sure you carry loads of stuff home with you at night, thus generating the false impression that you work longer hours than you really do.

9. Use computers to look busy -- Any time you use a computer, it looks like "work" to the casual observer. You can send and receive personal e-mail, chat and have a blast without doing anything remotely related to work. These aren't exactly the societal benefits that the proponents of the computer revolution would like to talk about, but they're not bad either. When you get caught by your boss -- and you will get caught -- your best defense is to claim you're teaching yourself to use new software, thus saving valuable training dollars.

8. Messy desk -- only top management can get away with a clean desk. For the rest of us, it looks like we're not working hard enough. Build huge piles of documents around your workspace. To the observer, last year's work looks the same as today's work; it's volume that counts. Pile them high and wide. If you know somebody is coming to your cubicle, bury the document you'll need halfway down in an existing stack and rummage for it when he/she arrives.

7. Voice mail -- Never answer your phone if you have voice mail. People don't call you just because they want to give you something for nothing -- they call because they want YOU to do work for THEM. That's no way to live. Screen all your calls through voice mail. If somebody leaves a message for you and it sounds like impending work, respond during lunch hour when you know they're not there -- it looks like you're hardworking and conscientious even though you're being a devious weasel.

6. Look impatient and annoyed -- According to George Costanza, one should also always try to look impatient and annoyed to give off the impression that you're always busy.

5. Leave the office late -- Always leave the office late, especially when the boss is still around. You could read magazines and storybooks that you always wanted to read. Make sure you walk past the boss' room on your way out. Send important e-mails at unearthly hours (i.e. 9:35pm, 7:05am, etc.) and during public holidays.

4. Creative sighing for effect -- Sigh loudly when there are many people around, giving the impression that you are under extreme pressure.

3. Stacking strategy -- It is not enough to pile lots of documents on the table. Put lots of books on the floor, etc. (thick computer manuals are the best).

2. Build vocabulary -- Read up on some computer magazines and pick out all the jargon and new products. Use the phrases freely when in conversation with bosses. Remember, they don't have to understand what you say, but you sure sound impressive.

1. MOST IMPORTANT -- DON'T forward this to your boss by mistake!

Poor Clyde died in a fire and was burnt pretty badly. The morgue needed someone to identify the body. So his two best friends, Clem and Zeke, were sent for.

Clem went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet. Clem said "Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over." So the mortician rolled him over and Clem looked and said "Nope, ain't Clyde." The mortician thought that was rather strange. Then he brought Zeke to identify the body and Zeke took a look at him and said "Yup, he's burnt real bad, roll him over." The mortician rolled him over and Zeke looked down and said "No, it ain't Clyde."

The mortician asked "How can you tell?" Zeke said, "Well, Clyde had two assh*les." "What? He had two assh*les?" said the mortician. Zeke said, "Yup, everyone in town knew he had two assh*les.

Every time we went to town, folks would say "Here comes Clyde with them two assh*les."

It got crowded in heaven, so, for one day it was decided only to accept people who had really had a bad day on the day they died. St. Peter was standing at the pearly gates and said to the first man, "Tell me about the day you died."

The man said, "Oh, it was awful. I was sure my wife was having an affair, so I came home early to catch her with him. I searched all over the apartment but couldn't find him anywhere. So I went out onto the balcony, we live on the 25th floor, and found this man hanging over the edge by his fingertips. I went inside, got a hammer, and started hitting his hands. He fell, but landed in some bushes. So, I got the refrigerator and pushed it over the balcony and it crushed him. The strain of the act gave me a heart attack, and I died."

St. Peter couldn't deny that this was a pretty bad day, and since it was a crime of passion, he let the man in.

He then asked the next man in line about the day he died. "Well, sir, it was awful," said the second man. "I was doing aerobics on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment when I twisted my ankle and slipped over the edge. I managed to grab the balcony of the apartment below, but some maniac came out and started pounding on my fingers with a hammer. Luckily I landed in some bushes. But, then the guy dropped a refrigerator on me!"

St. Peter chuckled, let him into heaven and decided he could really start to enjoy this job.

"Tell me about the day you died?", he said to the third man in line.

"OK, picture this, I'm naked, hiding inside a refrigerator...."
Q. What is the difference between a bachelor and a married man?

A. Bachelor comes home, sees what's in the refrigerator, goes to bed. Married man comes home, sees what's in the bed, and goes to the refrigerator. | Your smart guide to money matters and entrepreneurship.

« on: June 20, 2012, 12:14:26 AM »

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« Reply #1 on: June 20, 2012, 12:15:38 AM »
The students were lined up in the cafeteria for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: “Take only ONE. God is watching.”

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, “Take all you want. God is watching the apples.”

Teacher: Why are you late, Joseph?
Joseph: Because of a sign down the road.
Teacher: What does a sign have to do with your being late?
Joseph: The sign said, “School Ahead, Go Slow!”

Mother: Why did you get such a low mark on that test?
Junior: Because of absence.
Mother: You mean you were absent on the day of the test?
Junior: No, but the kid who sits next to me was.


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« Reply #2 on: June 20, 2012, 12:16:32 AM »
A man comes home from an exhausting day at work, plops down on the couch in front of the television, and tells his wife,

"Get me a beer before it starts."

The wife sighs and gets him a beer. Fifteen minutes later, he says,

"Get me another beer before it starts."

She looks cross, but fetches another beer and slams it down next to him. He finishes that beer and a few minutes later says,

"Quick, get me another beer, it's going to start any minute."

The wife is furious. She yells at him "Is that all you're going to do tonight? Drink beer and sit in front of that TV? You're nothing but a lazy, drunken, fat slob, and furthermore ...

" The man sighs and says, "It's started ..."

For all those men who say, "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free".

Here's an update for you. Nowadays 80% of women are against marriage, why?

Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire Pig, just to get a little sausage...

Seen in my local paper's "readers sales" section.


Complete set of encyclopaedia Britannica.
45 Volumes. Excellent condition.
£1000 pounds or best offer.

Reason for sale:- No longer required.
Got married last weekend.
Wife knows everything.

It seems that life goes by resembling somewhat of a bell curve of what is considered successful...

At age 4...success is...not peeing in your pants.
At age 10...success is...making your own meals.
At age 12...success is...having friends.
At age 16...success is...having a drivers license.
At age 20...success is...having .
At age 35...success is...having money.
At age 50...success is...having money.
At age 60...success is...having .
At age 70...success is...having a drivers license.
At age 75...success is...having friends.
At age 80...success is...making your own meals.
At age 85...success is...not peeing in your pants.

An elderly Italian man lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite Italian anisette sprinkle cookies wafting up the stairs. Gathering his remaining strength, he lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs.

With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen. Where if not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite anisette sprinkled cookies.

Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted Italian wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in a crumpled posture. His parched lips parted, the wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth, seemingly bringing him back to life.

The aged and withered hand trembled on its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife....."Back off!" she said, they're for the funeral."


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« Reply #3 on: June 20, 2012, 12:17:38 AM »
Who Is Braver?

Three generals, one from the Army, another from the Marines, and a third from the Air Force, were having a debate with a Navy Admiral about whose soldiers were the bravest.

To prove his point, the Air Force general calls over an airman: "Airman! Climb that flagpole, and once you are at the top, sing 'Wild Blue Yonder', and then jump off!"

"YES SIR!" replies the airman. He takes off for the flagpole like a shot, scales up it, sings the anthem, salutes and jumps off, hitting the ground at attention.

The general dismisses him. "Now that's bravery!" exclaims the general.

"Ah, that's nothing," says the Admiral, "Seaman!" A seaman appears, "YES, SIR!!" "Take this weapon," as he offers him an M14, "Scale that flagpole, balance yourself on top, stand at attention, present arms, and sing 'Anchors Aweigh.' Salute each of us, and jump off.

"YES SIR!!" replies the seaman. He sprints for the flagpole with the weapon high over his head, and completes the task perfectly.

"Now that's courage!" says the admiral.

"Courage, nothin'" snorts the Army general. "Get over here, private!"
"YES SIR!!" replies the private.

"Put on full combat gear, load your rucksack with these rocks, scale that flagpole, come to attention, present arms, and sing the National Anthem, salute each of us, and then climb back down, head first."

"YES SIR!!" replies the private, and completes the task.
"Now that is a brave man! Beat that!!"

They all look to the Marine. "Private," he says.

"Put on full combat gear. Put these two dogs in your pack. Using only one hand, climb that flagpole. At the top, sing 'The Halls of Montezuma', put your knife in your teeth, and dive off, headfirst."

The private snaps to attention, looks at the general and says, "f*ck YOU SIR!!"

The general turns to the others and says, "Now THAT'S bravery!"


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« Reply #4 on: June 20, 2012, 12:26:25 AM »
A city boy, Kenny, moved to the country and bought a donkey from an old
farmer for $100.  The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.  The next day the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry son, but I have some bad  news, the donkey died."
Kenny replied, "Well then, just give me my money back."
The farmer said, "Can't do that.  I went and spent it already."
Kenny said, "OK then, at least give me the donkey."
The farmer said, "What ya gonna do with him?"
Kenny, "I'm going to raffle him off."
Farmer, "You can't raffle off a dead donkey!"
Kenny, "Sure I can.  Watch me.  I just won't tell anybody he is dead."
A month later the farmer met up with Kenny and asked, "What happened with
that dead donkey?"
Kenny,  "I raffled him off.  I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece and
made a profit of $898."
Farmer, "Didn't anyone complain?"
Kenny, "Just the guy who won.  So I gave him his two dollars back."
Kenny grew up and eventually became the chairman of Enron.

Teacher: Nasaan homework mo?

Juan: Edi nasa home. Kaya nga tinawag na HOMEwork e. Pag dinala ko yun dito edi magiging SCHOOLwork na! Konting utak naman dyan ma’am! Badtrip eh


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« Reply #5 on: June 20, 2012, 12:30:07 AM »
Alamat ng Bigote

Ate: Utoy kamusta naman ang panliligaw mo sa kapitbahay natin?

Utoy: Bigo teh.
She feel you…

Ang tagalog ng toothbrush!
Who's the boss?

Everybody on earth dies and goes to heaven. (Don't ask why or how, it just happens...)

God comes and says, "I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men that dominated their women on earth and the other line for the men that were dominated by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St. Peter."

With that said and done, the next time God looked, the women are gone and there are two lines. The line of the men that were dominated by their women was 100 miles long, and in the line of men that dominated their women, there was only one man.

God got mad and said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you in my image and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the only one of my sons that stood up and made me proud. Learn from him! Tell them my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?"

And the man replied, "I don't know, my wife told me to stand here."


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« Reply #6 on: June 20, 2012, 12:32:38 AM »
Q: Ano ang tawag sa maliit na aso?
A: KapirASO
Q: Ano ang tawag sa maliit na pusa?
A: CATiting
Q: Ano ang tawag sa maliit na kambing?
A: kapirangGOAT


Q: Ano ang holiday para sa mga ermats (nanay)?
A: Mother’s Day
Q: Ano ang holiday para sa mga erpats (tatay)?
A: Father’s Day
Q: Ano ang tawag sa holiday para sa mga buntis?
A: Labor Day!
Q: Ano ang tawag sa holiday para sa mga binata?


Q: Bakit tanga si Superman?
A: Kasi inuna niyang sinuot ang pantaloon bago yung brief.

Q: Bakit tanga si Batman?
A: Kasi inuna niyang sinuot yung pantaloon bago ang brief, tapos nag boots at sinturon pa.

Q: Bakis mas tanga si Robin kay Batman?
A: Kasi lahat ng ginagawa ni Batman, ginagaya niya.

Q: Bakita pinakatanga si Spiderman?
A: Kasi naglagay siya ng brief sa ulo.
Q: Bakit tanga si Wonder Woman?
A: Kasi naglagay siya ng sinturon sa ulo.


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« Reply #7 on: June 20, 2012, 12:33:24 AM »
Ang Sampung Utos ng mga Babaero

1. Huwag kang papahuli sa asawa mo yari ka.
2. Huwag kang manlalaki dahil babaero ka.
3. Huwag kang aamin sa pambabae mo. Looser ka.
4. Huwag mong agawin ang babae ng kapwa mo babaero.
5. Mag ahit ka ng bigote mahahalatang babaero ka.
6. Mag pabango ka ng pam babaeng pabango bago umalis ng bahay para pag uwi mo amoy babae ka pa rin.
7. Mag anti-biotic ka baka mahawa.
8. Manood ka muna ng tv pagdating mo ng bahay bago matulog, mahahalatang pagod ka.
9. Huwag pumunta sa matataong lugar dahil mahuhuli ka ng asawa mo, sa night club na lang.
10.Mag pahinga ka naman hindi mauubos yan

 Anak:  Tay, ano po magandang gawin kasi yung panty ng girlfriend ko may nakatatak na “No Entry”.

Tatay:  Easy lang anak, yung brief mo markahan mo ng “Government Project Do Not Delay”.


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« Reply #8 on: June 20, 2012, 12:45:11 AM »
sang araw, tinawag ng Nanay nya si Boy, ang batang ngo-ngo.

Nanay: "Boy, magpunta ka sa tindahan ni Aling Petra at bumili ka ng isang latang Pork & Beans."

Boy: "Omo, inay," ang sagot ni Boy......

Pagdating ni Boy sa tindahan ay binati niya ang tindera...

Boy: Aning Metra,ngamuta na mo ngayo? (Kamusta na po kayo?)"

Aling Petra: "Mabuti naman," ang sagot ni Petra, "ano ang kailangan mo Boy?"

Boy: "Mangmilan nga mo ng inang lata ng Mo e Meen?" ang tanong ni Boy.

Aling Petra: "Ano kamo, Boy? sabi ni Petra.

Boy: "Isa mong Mo e Meen," ang ulit ni Boy.

Aling Petra: "Paki-ulit nga Boy at hindi kita maintindihan."

Boy: "Mo e Meen, Mo e Meen, nyung nata lata."

Aling Petra: "Hindi talaga kita maintindihan. Mabuti pa kaya ay i-spell mo na lang sa akin."

Boy: "O ninge. Mo e Meen. Netter Mi."

Aling Petra: "Letter 'B'?" Ang tanong ng tindera.

Boy: "Ine! Netter Mi as in Minimines."

Aling Petra: "Ha???"

Boy: "Mi!" (Kinanta ni Boy ang alphabet), "Ey, Mi, Ni, Ni , E, Em, Nyee..En, Em,En, O, Mi"

Aling Petra: "Ahhh, P! Letter P!" ang masiglang sagot ni Petra.

Boy: "Oo. Mi! Mo e Meen!"

Aling Petra: "Sige ituloy mo Boy. 'P'..."

Boy: "Ngo!"

Aling Petra: "Ano kamo?"

Kumanta ulit si Boy.....

Boy: "Ey, Mi, Ni, Ni , E, Em, Nyee... En, Em, En, O"

Aling Petra: "Ahhh, titik O! P-O. Sige ituloy mo pa."

Boy: "Netter Arrng!"

Aling Petra: "Kantahin mo na lang ulit Boy."

Boy: "Ey, Mi, Ni, Ni , E, Em, Nyee... En, Em, En, O, Mi, Ngyu, Arrng."

Aling Petra: "Ahhh! Letter R. Malapit na. 'P-O-R'? Hindi ko pa rin makuha, Boy. Anong letter and susunod?"

Boy: "Ngey."

Aling Petra: "Letter A?"

Boy: "Ini ho," sabay buntung-hininga si Boy. "Ngey! A, Ma, Nga (A-Ba-Ka-Da ang kinanta)! Nga!"

Aling Petra: "Ka! Letter 'K' 'P-O-R-K' Ahhh Pork!!!"

Boy: "Oo. Mo e Meen"

Aling Petra: "Pork and?" Ang tanong ni Petra.

Boy: "Oo!! Mo e Meen!!!"

Aling Petra: "Pork and Meen? Ahhhh!!! Alam ko na!!! Pork and Beans!!!"

Boy: "Oo! Oo!! Mo e Meen!! Mo e Meen!!!!" (ang masayang sigaw ni Boy).

Aling Petra: "Pork and Beans pala ang kailangan mo!!!"

Boy: "Oo. Mo e Meen!"

Aling Petra: "Ay, naku... WALA NA, kauubos pa lang!



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« Reply #9 on: June 20, 2012, 12:48:24 AM »
Sa Opisina.

vice: pasok mo nga dito yung mga papeles ko..
assistance: ser saan ko ipapasok , dito sa loob"?
vice: hinde sa labas, ipasok nga diba.pwede bang ipasok sa labas, sige nga subukang mong ipasok doon sa labas


Another Day
Kararating Lang sa Opis..
assistance: hi. good morning po ser nandito na po pala kayo
vice: hinde wala pa, picture ko lang toh, hindi pa ako to


Naospital yung pamangkin, kasi buntis (dinugo)...
pumuntang emergency
vice: nurse tulong!!
nurse: ano pong nangyayari? manganganak?
vice: ay hinde. ipapatira ko pa lang.dinudugo na nga diba. syempre manganganak na 


2nd Attempt
vice: bilisan mo na
nurse: ano pong gusto niyo? tawagin ko si dok?
vice: hinde ako na kaya ko na toh!!!,doon na lang kayo, baka nakakaabala pa ako sa inyo!!


3rd Attempt
tagal ng doctor..
vice: yung ulo ng bata lumabas na!!
nurse: (nagtatakbo) ay ano yan ulo ng bata?
vice: hindi ulo ng **** ng bata..bwiset


Patay Tatay:
vice: umiiyak sa harap ng kabao ng tatay
dumating si bestfriend, hinimas-himas yung likod ni vice
bestfiend: uy, okey ka lang?
vice: ikaw hayop ka, patayin ko tatay mo? okey ka lang!!!!
vice: ********* ka tatay ko nasa kabaong, tapos tatanungin mo ko kung okey ka lang!!!
vice: okey lang ako, ako pumatay eh..bigtime! success patay na eh.. nasan tatay mo sunod na naten?!!! para okey ka den


Vice nakaupo sa park.. Walang nakaupo sa ibang upuan..

Manong: Pwede po bang umupo dito?
Vice: Hindi, tinatalunan yan.. Nakikita mo di ba, ang daming nakaupo.. Mamaya tatalunan ko yan.. Tapos sabay nating gagawin.. Sama na rin natin yung mga dumadaan.. Para mukha tayong mga baliw lahat.. Bilis na, simulan mo na.. Maya-maya lang susunod ako


(Nakakita siya ng guwapo, di nakapagpigil)
Vice: Hi, ano pangalan mo?
Gwapo: Ako po?
Vice: Hindi sila, may nakikita ka pa bang tao? Malamang ikaw, ang tanga


(Sa gasoline station, pagbaba nya ng window)
Gas boy: Magpapagas po?
Vice: Hindi magpapaconfine ako. Malamang magpapagas, gasolinahan ‘to 'di ba? Alangan magpaconfine ako dito, tapos dextrose ko 'yung unleaded gasoline niyo, at ayun na yung ikakamatay ko.


after kumain sa isang restaurant with friends, sumenyas si vice, nag-sign siya sa waiter gamit ang dalawang kamay para sa bill, yung korteng square na pagkakasign)

waiter: sir, bill po?

vice ganda: ay hindi, magpapapicture. hindi kasi kami nabubusog pag hindi nagpapapicture pagkatapos kumain eh.


vhong: what is a sentence.
vice: a sentence is a word or a group of words that has complete thought.
vhong: wow. eh verb? what is verb?
vice: a verb is an action word.
vhong: how about pang-abay? what is pang-abay?
vice: pang-abay? slacks, barong, kimona, dat's pang-abay!


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« Reply #10 on: June 20, 2012, 12:50:11 AM »
WIKIPEDIA: Sa akin susulat ka lang ng word at hahanapan ko ng meaning.

GOOGLE: Ha! Yan lang ba? Sa akin sulat ka ng word at magpapalabas ako ng maraming sources.
INTERNET: Tumahimik nga kayo kung wala ako wala kayung silbi!

COMPUTER: Ha ? Ako dapat mag sabi niyan !
ELECTRICITY: Sige lang salita pa kayo makikinig lang ako.
BOY : Tigilan mu nga ako ang kulit mo nman ..
GiRL : Ang arte mo nman.
BOY : Nanununtok ako ng maganda .
GiRL : Oh sige suntok nga oh ??
BOY : Bakit maganda kba ??
HOST: Ano ang gagawin ninyo kung pag-gising ninyo may katabi na kayong 1 million?
AMERICAN: Go on a world tour!
JAPANESE: Put up a hotel!
KOREAN: Build a house!
TAIWANESE: Make a business!
PINOY: Tulog ulit para maging 2 million.
5 missed calls from a kabarkada = you missed a party
5 missed call from your bestfriend = kailangan niya ng kausap
5 missed call from your parents = umuwi ka na nag aalala na cla
5 missed call from your gf =

A woman walking on a graveyard when she saw a man kneeling by a grave shouting, "Why did you have to die?!" Feeling sorry for the man, she put her hand on his arm and asked? "Is that your wife you're grieving for?" To which the man replied, "No it's my wife's ex husband."
Boy: Miss, naka anesthesia ka ba? Bakit hindi mo maramdamang mahal kita?
Girl: May amnesia ka ba? Nakalimutan mo bang nibasted kita dahil ang dami mong siyota.
Boy: Ganito kasi ako magsyota, maramihan! Parang magic flakes. Apat dapat!
Girl: Uminom ka nga ng kape para tubuan ka ng nerbyos sa katawan! Para kang rebisco, ang kapal ng filling mo!

Pasaherong nakaputi: Mama, bayad ko po!
Driver: Estudyante ba?
Pasaherong nakaputi: Nurse na po!
Driver: Yabang ah! Mataas pa kita ko saýo!

True? | Your smart guide to money matters and entrepreneurship.

« Reply #10 on: June 20, 2012, 12:50:11 AM »


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